It’s that time again—the Bad Sex in Fiction Award! This is the prize that goes to the most cringe-worthy sex writing in literature. From avalanches to a frosty encounter on the beach, get ready for the Bad Sex 2017 shortlist.
1. The Destroyers by Christopher Bollen
“On the stone porch, in the hot, mountain air, we grapple with our clothing, which, in the darkness, becomes as complicated as mountaineering gear. Her black shirt around her neck, mine unbuttoned, our shorts and underwear slid to our ankles, we seem to be moving at avalanche speed and also, unfortunately, with avalanche precision.” Yes, sex is exactly like…an avalanche?
2. Mother of Darkness by Venetia Welby
“Light filters in from the ravaging streaks of the dawn. It splits into fragments of every hue the world has hidden as it strikes the prism of their shelter. Tera’s eyes expand and reflect, crystal orbs of time and space. She moans in colours as he pushes the white dress away and beyond the angelic flesh, luminescent against the damp, mossy bed.” Wow—other-worlderly. In a bad way.
3. The Future Won’t Be Long by Jarett Kobek
“We made love and we had sex and we had sex and we made love. But reader, again, I implore. Mistake me not. I am not your Pollyanna, I am not your sweet princess. We fucked, we fucked, we fucked, we fucked, we fucked, we fucked.” Just. Wow.
4. War Cry by Wilbur Smith (with David Churchill)
“‘I’m going to have you now,’ Leon said. He led her back up the beach to where the sand was dry. Then he took off his coat, placed it on the ground and she lay down upon it. ‘Christ!’ he muttered, placing himself on top of her. ‘It’s bloody cold. I might get frostbite on my cock.’” She gave a low purring laugh. ‘Silly man. Why don’t you put it somewhere hot?’” Definitely not hot.
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Check out more of the Bad Sex Award shortlist: https://www.theguardian.com/
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