Some couples may opt for polyamory—a form of consensual non-monogamy that involves being in more than one relationship—but “tolyamory” is a much more common, yet lesser discussed, relationship style. Dan Savage recently explained being “tolyamorous” means that a person is “willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage.” In the process, they instead “focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love.”
“These people aren’t fools or dupes. They’re not to be pitied—they know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got,” Savage said on an episode of his podcast. It’s a way of maintaining the relationship but not “endorsing” the non-monogamous behavior, a sexpert further explained, adding that this kind of relationship is “common.” They pointed to high-profile couples like former President Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as examples.
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