The Most Hilarious Sexual Phrases in Romance Novels

cosmic_banditaWhile writers are known for their creativity, romance writers in particular are known for their ridiculouscreativity when it comes to describing sex (ahem, Fifty Shades of Grey, anyone?). So blogger John Ferri decided to compile lists of the most absurd, hilarious sexual descriptions he found in his wife’s romance novels. Here are some of the gems:

Romance Novel Epithets for the Cock
  1. Rigid source of heat
  2. Engorged flesh
  3. Iron-hard tumescence
  4. Love’s sweet arrow
  5. Plenipotentiary instrument
  6. Molten member
  7. Torrid extension
Romance Novel Epithets for the Pussy
  1. Damp, most needy place
  2. Fiery furnace
  3. Most treasured pearl of passion
  4. Glistening portals of her womanhood
  5. Molten need
Romance Novel Descriptions of Sex
  1. Impaling her on his straining shaft
  2. Plunging hotness penetrated
  3. Possess the lily
  4. Embalming injection
  5. Love’s sweet lava flowed
  6. Staccato spasms
  7. Burned to a cinder

Wow. Some of those descriptions sound dangerous! We don’t know about “writhing with burning caresses” but we would definitely be up for some “lightning bolts of fulfillment!”

Check out more hilarious sexual phrases from romance novels here!

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Finally, a Pokemon Porn Parody

PikachuSexIf you love Pokemon, and have always (secretly) fantasized about fucking Pikachu, your prayers have been answered. The makers of such porn parodies as Spongeknob Squarenuts and Bob’s Boners, WoodRocket.com, is pleased to present their latest creation: Strokemon, the Pokemon porn parody. It includes all the Pokemon characters re-imagined as their horny alter egos—Dickachu, Fisty, Gash—and all played by sexy porn stars in ridiculous costumes.

Watching the trailer alone is a strange exercise in getting oddly aroused by silly cartoon characters—especially considering the campy dialogue and shoddy costumes. It’s even trippy like the cartoon: there’s a floating hand puppet with teeth that gets “squirted” by a floating, giant green dildo! And at one point, Dickachu’s gibberish is interpreted as, “Oh, she just said that I have a really big dick.” If Strokemon is anything like WoodRocket.com’s other porn parodies, Pokemon/porn fans are in for one wild and ridiculous ride! Or to put it another way, Dika Dika!

Want to have some crazy good times with us? We’re always up for a strange and wild experience!

Check out the Strokemon trailer!

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The New and Improved Magic Wand

Courtesy of hitachimagic.com

Courtesy of hitachimagic.com

Many women have called the Magic Wand their favorite, go-to sex toy—until the Doxy came out. Doxy offered many of the same features and niceties as the Magic Wand—a similar shaped head, strong vibrations, magically intense orgasms—but with a sleeker, more usable design. So imagine how pleasantly surprised these former Magic Wand enthusiasts will be when they find out that their beloved sex toy just stepped back into their lives after all these years with a whole new look and feel.

Introducing, the new Magic Wand (check out Oh Joy Sex Toy’s comic about Doxy vs. the new Magic Wand below). Gone are the days of those pesky design flaws: the short cord, the huge, cumbersome size, only two (super intense!) speeds, and the chunky and unattractive head. It’s now rechargeable (!), has a bigger and softer head, a smaller base, and 4 speeds and 4 vibe patterns! While the Doxy does have many of these features, it’s slightly more expensive and is not cordless and rechargeable. Looks like the new Magic Wand could become many a girl’s number one self-love friend once again!

Want to have some mind-blowing experiences yourself? Come make some magic with us!

Check out Oh Joy Sex Toy’s comic and revamped Magic Wand review here.

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The New Device That Lets You Save Energy By Jerking Off

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Image provided via PornHub

Pornhub is giving Fitbit a run for their money with the Wankband, a new wearable that lets you charge gadgets by jerking off. Pornhub acknowledges in their promotional video (watch below) that watching porn on the internet contributes to the growing problem of energy consumption that can pollute as it creates, which is why they’re going to “show men how they can save the planet by doing what they do best.” The Wankband is a wearable for the tech era that “allows men to love the planet by loving themselves.”

The device gains power from motion via a small inner valve in the band that generates and stores energy when you move your hand up and down with each loving stroke. You can plug any chargeable device into the USB port on the band—tablet, phone, laptop—to create “dirty energy.” The device is unisex, so it’ll work for men and women who want to turn their special alone time into productive, save-the-planet time. As Pornhub says, “the power is in your hand!”

Want to have a sexy do-gooder moment yourself? Here at Niteflirt, we “do-good” all day every day!

Check out Pornhub’s video for the Wankband here!

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German Social Media Site Seeks a Prostitute Tester

Screen Shot 2015-06-24 at 2.38.29 PMA social media site in Germany is advertising an exciting new position in the adult industry: a prostitute tester. It’s true; Germany is one of the few places where prostitution is legal, so the position is like a professional Yelp reviewer—for sex! You may be wondering what it takes to become a bonafide prostitute tester: “Besides scoring tips for carnal consumers, the ideal candidate ‘should enjoy having fun with people’ and not be afraid of contact,” Huffington reports.

The prostitute tester will review brothels in Germany in order to up the quality of the experience for customers. To do this, the prostitute tester will have sex with the sex workers, noting everything from service to cleanliness to safe sex practices. The site wants its customers to be able to have information on sex workers or adult organizations before buying their services—sort of like the way you can check out a hotel or a restaurant menu online before spending your money at a place. “Our vision is to see sex work as an equal and fully accepted part of society,” said one of the owners of the social media site. Right on, Germany!

Want to have a quality, satisfying experience yourself? We’ve got “the ideal candidates” right here!

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The New “Smart” Sex Toy That Will Transform Your Sex Life

Screen Shot 2015-06-18 at 2.52.11 PMEverybody knows about amazing modern devices that allow us to enhance and improve our lives in exciting new ways. But what if we told you that a new “smart” sex toy is aiming to transform people’s sex lives in equally exciting ways? Introducing the Lovely, the wearable that is basically like a Fitbit for your cock. You wear it during sex, and not only does it act like a vibrating cock ring—great for stimulating the clit as well as enlarging the penis—but it also can track your sexual activity!

This means that it can track the number of thrusts or calories burned, to the intensity of the sex. And, according to the device’s designers, it can help you to “have even better sex next time” by recommending different sex positions and personalized advice depending on your tastes, kinks, and how you like to get it on. But best of all: the device isn’t just for straight couples. One rep of the Lovely says, “You can put this wearable on a dildo, you can put it on your fingers, you can use it on a toy on yourself.” Well, how lovely!

Want to have some “personalized” fun with us? We are all about stimulating and innovative experiences!

Check out more about the Lovely here.

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Get to Know: Japanese Sun

With Japanese Sun
(@YukioThai)
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Japanese-Sun01

If you were some sort of erotic, sexy food, what would you be?
Hakuto jelly because I am sweet, expensive, and taste like peaches. LOL!

With all your experience in the world of erotic fantasy and adult chat, what’s your favorite part of sex?
I love when men tell me their secret fantasies and nightmares.

What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you on one of your hot phone sex calls?
My panties get wet and sticky all over!

Japanese-Sun02
Is there anything you do to get yourself in the mood for an erotic fantasy phone sex session?
Listening to a white male dom control my behavior and dominate me.

Is there any kind of specific fetish that you yourself enjoy?
Submission, asian GFE, spanking, college girl, and other extreme perversions.
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How Many of These Euphemisms For Jerking Off Have You Heard?

5129712590_98642c5ebf_zChoking the chicken; spanking the monkey; stroking the python—you’ve probably heard these common and well-loved euphemisms for jerking off many many times. But how many others do you know? BuzzFeed recently put that question to the test with one of their signature (and hilarious) quizzes. Here are 15 highlights of some familiar, some just bizarre euphemisms for male self-love (check out the full quiz below):

  1. Five Finger Shuffle
  2. Making the Bald Man Cry
  3. Shaking Hands With Dr. Winky
  4. Beating Your Meat
  5. Battling the Purple-Headed Yogurt Slinger
  6. Riding the Mayonnaise Surf
  7. Tugging the Slug
  8. Waxing Your Carrot
  9. Auditioning Your Hand Puppet
  10. Burping the Worm
  11. Badgering the Witness
  12. Beef Stokenoff
  13. Jerkin’ the Gherkin
  14. Strangling the Cyclops
  15. Practicing Politics—(we saved the most baffling for last)

Wow. There sure are a lot of creative euphemisms for Buffing the Vampire Slayer. Feel like taking a break from Shuffling Your Ipod? We can help you to Make Pearl Jam right here!

Check out the BuzzFeed quiz here!

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7 Reasons Why You Should Regularly Masturbate

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Aside from the most obvious reason to regularly masturbate—it feels great!—did you know that self-love has many other benefits that help the mind, body, and soul? Science has proven that taking the time to get off with yourself can significantly improve both the quality and the happiness of your life. So here are 7 reasons why you should definitely make “quality alone time” with yourself a priority:

  1. It Releases Stress
    Masturbating increases dopamine, endorphins, and oxytocin, i.e, the chemicals in your body responsible for lowering cortisol, which in turn reduces stress.
  2. It Helps You Stay Fit
    When you masturbate, you produce oxytocin, which regulates food cravings.
  3. It Increases Sperm Count 
    There’s no better way to keep your sperm fit and active than masturbating. It’s been proven that frequent masturbation in men increases sperm count and quality.
  4. It’s Good For One’s Sense of Well-Being
    Masturbating is good psychologically because pleasure helps contribute to one’s overall sense of well-being and happiness.
  5. It Helps With Positive Body Image
    Science has also proven that women who masturbate regularly often feel positive about themselves and their bodies. Right on!
  6. It Reduces Pain
    Orgasms increase blood flow to the brain and to the genitals, which helps to regulate pain.
  7. It Keeps the Libido Healthy and Active
    The more action you get, the more action you want to get. That’s why masturbating keeps the libido healthy and ready for action!

Feel like taking a ride on the (self) love train? Come get off at Niteflirt’s pleasure stop!

Read more about the mind and body benefits of self-love!

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Nikita, the Gun-Shaped Dildo

sideview001The Nikita is a gun-shaped dildo that, as its designer says, “shoots orgasms.” It’s a six-inch silicone sex toy with a vibrating sleeve that started as an art project and became a fully functioning dildo (and conversation piece!). While the dildo’s gun-shape may not be for everyone, the artist who created the Nikita is hoping to inspire people to explore their sexuality while engaging with the toy and its subject matter—both serious and playful—at the same time.

The dildo-gun is the perfect shape to hit all the right spots, and its trigger functions as a tickler to stimulate the clit and the prostate. The Nikita can also be used as a hands-free strap-on—simply insert the base of the toy into the pussy and fire away! And the handle allows you to have more control for hitting different angles and spots, alone or with a partner, since it’s much easier to grip than most dildos. Since the artist wanted to bring some levity and playfulness to a pretty heavy subject, she found that with the Nikita, she could spark important dialogue and help people to get off in fun new ways. Sounds like a win-win to us!

Looking for some dangerous fun yourself? Bring that big gun our way, cowboy!

Check out more about the Nikita here.

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