NEWS: 2014 Bad Sex in Fiction Awards

The Bad Sex in Fiction Awards, which has been a thing for the past two decades, proves that even good writers can write some truly terrible sex scenes. The notorious award, presented by the Literary Review, says its aim is to “draw attention to poorly written, perfunctory or redundant passages of sexual description in modern fiction…” And you will seriously not believe how bad the passages are, and, ironically, how great the writers: the nominees this year include a Pulitzer prize winner, this year’s Man Booker Prize winner, and a recurring favorite for the Nobel Prize! Here are some highlights from the prize that every prose writer dreads: best_phone_sex_niteflirt_contracts

  1. Desert God by Wilbur Smith
    “Her body was hairless. Her pudenda were also entirely devoid of hair. The tips of her inner lips protruded shyly from the vertical cleft. The sweet dew of feminine arousal glistened upon them.”
  2. DD-MM-YY’ in Things to Make and Break by May-Lan Tan
    “When I’m about to come, I flip her onto her back and take off her underwear. I roll her nipple on my tongue and rub her clit with my thumb until her lips get slippery. I glide my middle finger in and out, then fold her legs up and push in. God. It’s like sticking your cock into the sun.”
  3. The Hormone Factory by Saskia Goldschmidt
    “I unbuttoned my pants, pushing them down past my hips, and my beast, finally released from its cage, sprang up wildly. I started inching my way back up, continuing to stimulate her manually, until the beast found its way in…she was as hot as boiling water in a distillation flask…”
  4. Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage by Haruki Murakami (!)
    “Their pubic hair was as wet as a rain forest. Their breath mingled with his, becoming one, like currents from far away, secretly overlapping at the dark bottom of the sea….These insistent caresses continued until Tsukuru was inside the vagina of one of the girls. It was Shiro. She straddled him, took hold of his rigid, erect penis, and deftly guided it inside her. His penis found its way with no resistance, as if swallowed up into an airless vacuum.”

And we’ll leave you with this gem from The Lemon Grove by Helen Walsh: “Then he steps into her, furious. And when it hits her, it slams her hard and fast, as life once had.”

Wow. That is some truly awfully written sex. I think we can probably do better than that—want us to talk dirty to you? We promise that you’ll “became aware of places in [you] that could only have been concealed there by a god with a sense of humour.” Whatever that means.

 

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NEWS: International Clitoris Awareness Week

Clitoris Awareness Week is a 7-day celebration organized by the non-profit, Clitoraid, which seeks to pay homage to “a magnificent organ” in order to “give it the attention it deserves.” Amen to that! The group’s reasoning is that whenever there’s an “awareness day,” it makes subjects such as loving the clit easier for people to talk about. best_phone_sex_niteflirt_bedposted

Some people are really getting into the spirit: in Chicago, one Clitoraid follower walked around the city in a giant suit that looked like a pussy! And in Miami, members will create a big, beautiful pussy sand-castle right on South Beach. Coincidentally, Clit Awareness Week falls in the same month as National Masturbation Day. How appropriate: self-love should never get shafted, but at least we have a whole month to celebrate!

Here at Niteflirt, we think every day should be a celebration of the clit! Want to help us get into the spirit? We know we could use a helping hand!

 

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NEWS: The 50 Best Full-Frontal Cocks in Film, Ranked

To soften the crushing disappointment of learning that Christian Grey will not be taking his clothes off in the new Fifty Shades of Grey movie, Jezebel compiled a thorough list of the 50 best male crotch-shots in film. These hot dudes baring it all on camera will surely brighten your day, and as Jezebel promises, “make your mood rise.” Here are some highlights from the list (see the full list below):

best_phone_sex_niteflirt_cocks_on_film

  1. Michael Pitt, The Dreamers (ranked #7)
    Here is an up close and personal shot of one very nice cock. In the still, a hot lady is admiring it on her knees (gee, wonder what’s gonna happen next?)
  2. Joe Mangienello, Magic Mike (ranked #8)
    Of course this list would not be complete (or credible) without some dick from the infamous male stripper film, Magic Mike. In this still, he is painted in golden, shimmery body paint, reminiscent of a greek god, with a fully hard cock poking out from his golden lycra thong.
  3. Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain (ranked #12)
    And again, if you’re going to have a list like this, you would need to include some sexy cowboy cock from this famous, formative gay film.
  4. Jake Gyllenhaal, Jarhead (ranked #14)
    Here, Gyllenhaal is dancing hard with just a Santa Claus hat covering his hard cock. Ho ho ho! Here’s one way to have a very merry holiday!
  5. Sacha Baron Cohen, Bruno (ranked #18)
    One of our personal favorites, in this epic scene from Bruno, Sacha Baron Cohen and friends sport full lycra body suits complete with giant dildos!
  6. Matthew McConaughey, Magic Mike (ranked #21)
    That’s right, this giant star went full frontal in a scene that has his chiseled body covered in bronzer with his massive, gorgeous cock standing out (and up!) in metallic paint.
  7. Kevin Bacon, Wild Things (ranked #26)
    In our humble opinion, this should be in the top 5.
  8. Mark Wahlberg’s Prosthesis, Boogie Nights (ranked #33)
    Who can forget the fake dick in Boogie Nights? You wait the whole movie for its unveiling, and when it happens, it does not disappoint (except for, you know, it’s not Mark Wahlberg’s).
  9. Stephen Dorff, Innocent Lies (ranked #38)
    In this scene, a hot naked sex pot is bent over a chair, looking very eager for Stephen Dorff to put his beautiful, big dick inside her from behind. Who could blame her?
  10. Jason Biggs, American Reunion (ranked #45)
    Here, Jason Biggs has his cock and balls pressed up against a glass pot lid in which he is trying to fuck.

Those were epic! All that hot cock on film really put us in the mood for some action—lights, camera, we’re ready when you are!

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NEWS: Porn Stars Explain Net Neutrality

Net neutrality can be a bit confusing, so Funny or Die recruited three porn stars to break down the issue in a funny, sexy way. Basically, it comes down to one very important point: without net neutrality internet providers can slow down your internet unless you pay more, which means slower porn. It’s true—if it was up to ISP giants like Comcast, the porn you’re streaming could get throttled unless you pay for faster speeds. They could even force porn websites to shell out big bucks to make their packets fast enough to make streaming porn possible.

One porn star quips, “You never hear anyone moaning, ‘Slower! Slower!’ when they’re fucking. Another explains that President Obama stands “hard and firm on the issue” (in her sexiest bedroom voice), because “poor people should be able to watch porn just as fast as rich people.” But, the ladies explain, Senator Ted Cruz (“who is not sexy”) is taking money from Comcast and wants to end net neutrality because “he doesn’t want me to get naked for you!” It pretty much comes down to this: “the internet is a giant sex party where anyone gets to have sex with anyone they want. Without net neutrality, that sex party is only for rich people.”

We know a faster way than streaming to have an internet sex party! Everyone who’s not Ted Cruz is invited!

 

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NEWS: Sex on the Beach, Florida Style

In an x-rated version of From Here to Eternity, a Florida couple got arrested after fucking on a beach in Tampa, in the middle of the day, in front of literally dozens of people. The dude, who looks like a body builder, and his sexy lady (wannabe porn star?), started going at it on their towel, with her on top, happily riding him hard without a care in the world…for 25 minutes! And shocked beach-goers who recorded the fuck-fest didn’t even intervene for the first go around.

That’s right: this couple got it on in plain view, on a public beach, until they decided to take a dip in the ocean—before passing out for hours and then going at it again! This time an angry woman told them to stop, while others called the police where they were (finally!) arrested for “lewd and lascivious behavior.” In the video below, it appears as if the hard-bodied dude is hand-cuffed completely bare-assed! File this story under: “Only in Florida.”

In the mood for a little mid-day action yourself? We can make you feel as good as sex on a beach!

 

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NEWS: Hallelujah! “Pussy” Can Now Be Said Uncensored on Comedy Central

Thanks to the staff on Amy Schumer’s Show, Inside Amy Schumer, you can now hear the word “pussy” bleep-free, hassle-free, and with impunity on Comedy Central. Fans of the show appreciate comedian Amy Schumer for her filthy sense of humor, and now they can fully appreciate her jokes in all their dirty glory. The show argues that saying “pussy” on network television revolutionizes television forever. Here’s the story: best_phone_sex_niteflirt_amy_schumer

Executive producer, Dan Powell, brought up this very important issue during season 2. Amy Schumer says, “Dan decided that it wasn’t fair that they bleep the word ‘pussy.’” This is because you are allowed to say “dick” on Comedy Central, which Dan considered a sexist double standard. Powell wrote a letter of complaint to the network, and they agreed to no longer censor “pussy” on air. Schumer says of this landmark moment in television history, “That was Dan’s Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.” God bless America!

Want to celebrate this momentous occasion with us? We know the perfect way—three cheers for pussy-love!

 

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NEWS: Butt Plug Art Installation in Paris, Unplugged

Sculpture resembling sex toy in ParisA controversial art installation inspired by a butt plug and Christmas tree has been vandalized in Paris. Paul McCarthy, the American artist who created the piece and is known for his risqué work, erected the large inflatable sculpture in Place Vendôme for the FIAC contemporary art fair. The giant sex toy has sparked outrage from Parisians since it was placed in the historic square, and on Saturday vandals cut the cables supporting the piece, leaving the artwork slumped on the pavement.

The artist said he was shocked at the outraged and angry reception to his work, since Paris is known for its relaxed, progressive attitude towards sex. One man was so upset that he attacked McCarthy, slapping him in the face several times and yelling that his work had no place in the square, before running away. The mayor of Paris, Anne Hidalgo, supports the art, saying that these attacks essentially “attack artistic freedom,” and that “art has its place in our streets.”

Geez, prudish Parisians. Have a sense of humor, why don’t you? We don’t know about Paris, but your butt plugs and other sex toys will never be persecuted here! We love all forms of artistic expression—especially sexy ones!

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NEWS: Drone Boning: First-Ever Aerial View Porn

Drone Boning, the new video produced by Ghost+Cow, mesmerizes with its stunning aerial shots. All the footage was captured from the skies, arresting viewers with beautiful, breath-taking landscapes: mountains at sunset, a dramatic, crashing ocean, winding coastal highways, endless rows of vines in an orchard. But then the video takes a turn from the awe-inspiring to the erotic.

Suddenly the camera pans dramatically over the long rows of vines to a couple passionately fucking from above. Then, way up high on a autumnal cliff, a woman getting fucked from behind as she gives head to a sexy red-head. And on the winding, scenic highway: a car pulled over to the side of the road, a woman bent over the hood with a man fucking her doggie style. Talk about breath-taking—this aerial porn really has it all!

You don’t need a drone to take you to exotic places—we can take your breath away right here!

 

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Katy, You’re The Boss

By “KatyStressRelief”best_phone_sex_niteflirt_katystressrelief2

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After years of living in corporate America, I had many opportunities to fantasize about various employees, vendors and co-workers. I never pursued these fantasies while under the employee of the company, but if I ran into those folks now, I would nail them in a heart beat.

There were many late nights spent working with these male co-workers and employees. Some called me Boss and others called me Bitch, and I answered to both. I remember one night very clearly as I was especially horny and tense. One of my staff was working so hard to meet a deadline and I knew we were asking him for the impossible, but he was giving it his all. I was working side by side with him and over the evening I watched the way his hands moved and the veins in his forearms grew. I studied his body and the way the muscles in his thighs tightened as he moved. Lucky for me I wore a black skirt that day and a jacket. The wetness between my legs was more like a waterfall. Lucky for my employee, he made the deadline.

While we were waiting for files to transfer, we went to the balcony for some fresh air. I wanted so badly to get him naked and using those hands to please me. As we stood there, my mind began to wander. This was what I saw:

best_phone_sex_niteflirt_katystressreliefHe was finishing up his work but instead of having on jeans and button-down, he was wearing rags that barely covered his manly parts. I’m standing behind him wearing my suit – tailored and expensive. My top is unbuttoned to show my purple (royal color) bra. My skirt is slit to my hip allowing peeks at my matching garter. My stockings are silk and smooth across my soft skin. He turns as he finishes his task. Eyes downcast, he says “I have finished. How can I serve you next?” My fingers tighten on the crop I have been holding. Smiling sweetly, I respond, “As you have worked so hard, I think you deserve to be rewarded. Get your sheet, take your offensive clothing off and lay in the floor.”

In my mind, his face would light up and he would quickly comply. Standing over his face, I lowered my ass down to his mouth. The feel of his tongue licking and probing at my asshole felt incredible. The more I enjoyed the lower on his face my ass settled taking away his breath. Watching his body fight to get free as his mouth continued to serve my desires. I lift up just enough for him to catch a quick breath and then back down. His cock growing harder as I teased him and controlled his breathing. Shifting back, I pushed my pussy down on his lips. The feeling of his tongue sliding between my wet pussy lips demanded I take more. Grinding my pussy against his face as he licked and sucked, he pushed me closer to orgasm. Building inside me, the muscles clinching tighter and my control slipping. His lips wrapped around my clit sucking it like a cock. I exploded. Squirt shooting from my pussy as he opened his mouth to drink. Over and over, he drank and wore my cum that night.

That night should have ended with him going home with my squirt still drying on his skin but instead he left with his computer case and feeling overworked and under-appreciated. Like most corporate non-management employees.

I like my version better.

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NEWS: Bob’s Burgers Porn Parody: Bob’s Boners

WoodRocket, the adult entertainment company behind such porn parodies as Doctor Whore, SpongeKnob SquareNuts, and the Simpsons XXX, have now added a Bob’s Burgers porn parody to their collection: Bob’s Boners. The storyline is actually pretty believable for the show, and the characters, Sexxxy Bob and Sexxxy Linda, do very good impressions. (Warning: you’ll never be able to watch the show again without picturing Bob’s cum-face).

“Adult Exotic Con Biz Show” is coming to town and Sexxxy Bob and Linda are trying to come up with a punny, naughty burger-of-the-day (they land on “Sheep Throat”—a burger that is 100% lamb). Then Sexxxy Bob and Linda stumble upon Tina’s erotic fan fiction, which involves some kinky sex with Jimmy Jr. and a zombie (that is so Tina!). So Bob and Linda go at it, fucking on the retro countertops in a variety of hot positions with Linda yelling, “Fucking make me do stuff!” But the best is the extended blow-job scene: after Linda swallows Bob’s “special sauce” she says, “It’s a little salty, but it’s good!”

In the immortal words of Linda Belcher: All Riiiight! Hungry for our special of the day? We promise you’ll leave satisfied!

Check out the trailer here:

 

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