If you’re a parent, you know the often hilarious truth about sex after kids. As one tweet accurately puts it, “Your sex life as a parent basically becomes ‘Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.’” Here are the funniest tweets from parents about post-kids sex.
- “If your sexytime music is cartoons playing loudly outside your locked door, you might be a parent.”
Mood music! - “Husband and I wrestled behind closed doors this morning. My daughter busted in and pounced on his back.
No one won the wrestling match. No one.”
Time for a rematch? - “Me: Do that thing I like
Husband: [takes the kids and leaves]”
Sexy! - “[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.”
Dirty talk indeed! - “Being married with children is like being a teenager again. You can only have sex if you sneak around and don’t get caught.”
That can be hot! - “Be sure to keep the spark alive by texting him sexy little nothings like,
‘We need to check the kids for lice’ and ‘please buy tampons.'”
A truly generous lover! - “Having sex when you’re a parent is like trying to shoot from half court with 3 seconds left on the clock.”
Score! - “Before kids: shower sex
After kids: shower decontamination.”
Dangerous when wet! - “Him: What are you wearing?
Me: Medical-grade hospital socks with anti-slip technology.”
There is probably a fetish for that… - “The best thing about sex after kids is probably no matter where in your house or car you do it, you end up with legos, Barbie shoes, or Shopkins lodged in your body.”
Professional hazards.
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Check out more funny tweets about sex after kids: https://www.buzzfeed.com/
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